all this drama, i forgot i had much to say about the cayman islands. what a beautiful place. went scuba diving! finally! must get scuba certified!!!!!!! swam with and fed sting rays...wow. also went on a wreck dive. ah! will write more later.

as of this moment, my future, my entire life depends on...a slice of pizza. i'm letting the pizza decide for me. i'm done with decisions, can't do it any more, so i'm throwing this to God/Buddha/Allah/Zeus/Krishna/Fate/The Pizza God.

well...the Mr. Pizza is advising to side w the parents. agh this morning i was ripping my hair out in chunks, and my eyes are so swollen i can't see out of them, but now i'm just too tired to care. whatever. looks like i might be transfering back to the u of mn this semester. or, rather, next since i highly doubt they'll let me transfer two days before classes start. so much irritation, agony, regret. i just don't know what to do any more, i'm completely lost. i have no academic future. if i didn't feel so indebted to my parents, i'd drop out of school and paint the rest of my life. but they put so much money and time in me that it would all go to waste. and i feel like i have something to prove - i'm not the piece of shit they make me out to be. really.

what to do, where to go, who to be, why bother?

sorry bout that post. (though i'm not quite sure to whom i'm apologizing...and why) just needed an outburst. i have no idea of what i'm doing. suffice to say i am very confused. actually, that doesn't suffice. what i mean is, many of the things i will be doing next week could either be completely wrong or...not so bad. it all depends on how you look at it, i guess. "wrong" is such a relative term, it's all relative. sometimes i wish things could be just black and white, but what a boring world that would be! right now though, there are just too many shades of grey.

for now, though, i think i'll live by the motto on my new shirt - "hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil; have no fun."

Wyneee, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING?!?!

shit i just found out classes start the second, not the seventh. haha i feel so clueless. why don't they tell us these things?! guess i'm more out of it than i thought. well that screws up alabama and maryland trips. man this year's off to a fantabulous start already : )

just got billy collins' new book. it's so great the we've finally picked a poet laureate that's got a sense of humor and is actually original.

leaving for london tomorrow night, coming back in three days, then gotta pack and leave for school pronto. and then maryland for a day? crikey, it's messy...like i said, ya cain't please er'body.

Over 20,000 left-handed people died in one year due to using right handed products.

hahaha...ahm...guess it's not really funny.
but it is :)

i'm all alone in alexandria again for the next three days. just me, three hundred beetles, six caterpillars, four wasps, eight flies, and two turtles up here finishing up the project. then it's london for the weekend and then alabama and...school. how anticlimactic.

a little disappointed that i'm missing the olympics. well, more specifically, gymnastics. must've been quite a show this year. man, wish i was still in it...Khorkina is one poor loser - "I'm just furious," Khorkina, who had been favorite for the coveted title, was quoted as saying in the daily Izvestia. "I knew well in advance, even before I stepped on the stage for my first event, that I was going to lose."
hunny, could you win with that attitude? and as for saying she didn't win cuz she's russian; well why do you think the panel of judges is international? sigh. i used to have so much respect for her.

long day of work. left house at eight am, got back around eleven pm - 'bout 15 hours. spent whole day building cages to conduct beetle experiments in, did a lot of sawing, hammering, etc.

after i graduate from med school i think i want to work construction for a while. it's just so satisfying to build things with your own hands. people take for granted material items these days. it's so easy to buy something ready made and not give a single second to considering how it was made. the art of construction is lost on so many people.

almost got another speeding ticket today. roar. the officer was incredibly nice, though. told him was a student at UW, he felt sorry for me and didn't write me up. very amiable man, spose i'm lucky.

only five more days here, then it's back home and school. can't wait to hear everybody (including myself) complain about how they're not ready for classes to start, blah, blah blah.

another beautiful thunderstorm is happening...

saw the stars out in the country for the first time in a while. absolutely amazing spectacle. was like being in planetarium, only larger than life. could see the milky way, learned buncha new constellations. so sad the there is so much light pollution nowadays, sad that i was so shocked at the amount of stars in the sky that i never see in the city.

haha my exhausted-ness is showing. too lazy to write in full sentences. sleep.

Well here's a confession
it was just a temporary obsession,
learn this lesson

Wasn't right to keep you guessin.

laughing out loud...
someone upstairs is smokin that ooooo-wheee, and it's making me feel looop-eeee...in fact, the whole neighborhood smells like it. what kind of crazy town is this?

the sky is
too pink to be red


our research has switched gears, which is exciting cuz counting beetles daily was getting tedious. we're now studying the parasites that have taken over our beetles. pretty interesting stuff, feels like i'm actually contributing to something. nothing significant, though. i highly doubt that what we're doing has any sort of practical application. well maybe the pheremone part does...but that makes it learning just for learning's sake, and i'm perfectly happy with that. i think scientists know enough about the world. part of the beauty of the world is all the mystery and surprises in it. what will happen when there are no more surprises? but this is a difficult subject, as, in principle, i was opposed to cancer research (nature's way of controlling human population) but then my grandmother went and died of cancer.

how to separate the universal from the personal?

What would you do to keep the facade?
Singin the song of the canned-corn connoisseur
When it's over, where are you going to put your face?


what an ugly revelation...one more week up here in beetle land, and then it's back to the "real" world. classes start in three weeks....sheeeeeyit, this'll be a weird year.

well i think i actually got something out of this summer. counting beetles may have been tedious, but, hell, i learned somethangs, alex was fun to work with, and all these lakes make for great scenery shots. plus, now i know all there is to know about cottonwood leaf beetles...and some things that maybe nobody but alex and i know....*dramatic music*

Take your 400 free hours of AOL, your starbucks, and go
Feel good
While you're sitting in traffic,
the radio blasting the same old song

Will you not tire of the monotony?

Laugh with the boys and sing with the girls
But forget your own song,
try to remember what the joke was about

Stop
for a minute, feel helpless
and then keep moving
because, hey, you've got a 20% discount and a new membership card.

was i really so drunk last night to believe that this nigeria thing might work out? though the only problem is really just my parents. who knows...

just found another tick on me. that's the third one this summer. crikey, if i make it through the summer without getting lyme disease or west nile, i shall consider myself lucky. or some wacky parasite. alex was scaring me w stories today. he's had pin worms. they live in your colon and come out at night to feed on...leftovers and lay eggs. gruesome, eh? and then there are mosquitos that carry fly eggs that get deposited under your skin when they suck your blood. the eggs then hatch, and the fly larvae consume your flesh, and it supposedly itches like hell. the coolest thing about it is the larvae send up a little snorkel tube up through your skin so it can get air. supposedly, the only was to get rid of the thing is to block up the tube and suffocate it, then rip it out, which is hard cuz their legs have giant hook/barbs on them that latch into your flesh.

and then, of course, there are the parasites that are consuming our dear subjects, the cottonwood leaf beetle larvae. the fly lays its eggs in the beetle larvae, and the grub consumes the beetle larvae from the inside out. it's fascinating. today we spent...a lot of time popping open dead beetle larvae to find a plump wriggling grub inside. i can't get the image out of my head! it's like...popping open a zit and seeing a squirmy grub. oy. gruesome, gruesome flies...reminds me of the way somebody i once knew described pregnancy - the embryo is a opportunistic parasite, it lives in the womb, deriving all its nutrients from it's host. it grows, develops, and keeps feeding off the host; until the day it gets large enough to BURST out of it's host!!!!! roar!! haha, oh the similarities between a parasitic fly and the human embryo!

erm...onto other exciting news (though i don't know how you could get more exciting than parasitic monstrosities). saw a bald eagle today, and a couple snakes. ah...the great outdoors!

really disappointed in new jersey governor what's his name's resignation, tired of hearing about it.

rush limbaugh attacked democrats for "pulling strings" and having things like hollywood and the music industry in their pocket...i don't see how that's any worse than the republicans funding ralph nader. politics...ridiculous! it's all ridiculous.

wow. if everything works out, I'M GOING TO NIGERIA THIS WINTER!!!!!!! NIGERIA. nigeria. nigeria. nigeria. oh it sounds so nice coming off my tongue, nigeria!

46 degrees. ts eliot and bill bob are getting ready to hibernate. i always wondered if keeping animals in captivity and not allowing them to hibernate screwed them up some how. today i almost wished that i had two more turtles just so i could name them michaelangelo and donatello. maybe they can be middle names....Bill Bob Donatello and TS Eliot Michaelangelo...BB Michaelangelo and TS Donatello Eliot....no....

cold. 55 degrees out.

feel curmudgeon-y, like a stubborn old cow. roar.

Dear Wynee,

I'm sorry you will be unable to join us at the 2004 International Society of Poets' Summer Convention and Symposium in America's Birthplace, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania--the largest and most prestigious poetry event ever held. As you know, you were selected to be honored at this event, and we were looking forward to your presenting your poetic artistry in front of the more than 2000 poets from over 45 countries who will be attending.
We have arranged for professional poetry readers to read your poem at this largest gathering of poets in history. Our readers will present your poem with imaginative style, so that your artistry receives the worldwide exposure and recognition that it deserves. Your poem will also be featured in printed form, proudly displayed in a special room at the convention that will be accessible to more than 2000 attending poets and guests.
And let me tell you a little about the actual awards and membership benefits that you will receive by mail immediately after you confirm your participation in this prestigious event by submitting your poem:
-- Your Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Silver Award Bowl (a $200.00 value) is a magnificent work of art in itself that measures over 10 inches across and over 11 inches high. It is handcrafted in silver and has your name custom-engraved on a beautiful cherry-wood base. It is certain to enjoy a special place of pride in your home and will serve as a fitting symbol of your unique poetic artistry.
-- Your bronze Commemorative Award Medallion (a $40.00 value) is a deeply etched bronze medal brilliantly displayed on a 25 inch red, white and blue satin ribbon.
-- And your Full One Year Membership into the International Society of Poets for 2004-2005 (a $60.00 value) entitles you to a personalized membership card, an ISP patch and decal, entry into special contests during the year, and a subscription to The Poet's Corner quarterly newsletter. Please note, if you are already an ISP member, your benefits will be extended an additional year.
Wynee, all that's required for us to immediately send you all of these Awards is for you to submit a poem to be formally presented at the convention. Additionally, we must also ask you for the necessary funds ($169.00 plus p+h) to cover the costs of the time and effort required to present your poem before the convention attendees both aloud and in writing, as well as the costs incurred in insuring and shipping to you these extremely bulky and heavy awards via Federal Express.
Wynee, we are, of course, ultimately most interested in meeting you and having you personally present your artistry in front of the thousands of other poets who attend these live events. Unfortunately, this is not to be the case at this time, so we're trying to do the next best thing. But we sincerely hope to personally present you with your most deserved awards in the future.

Sincerely,
Steve Michaels
Convention Awards Chairperson


hahahaha...sounds like they're trying to sell me my own awards. what a crock!

leo kottke rocked my socks off last night

international paper is an evil corporation. don't ever buy their paper. they bully scientists and farmers. they "accidently" sprayed our site w insecticide! after we specifically told them not to. many times. went to the field today and all the beetle larvae were dead in their tracks, just plain annhilated. funny thing is, we're trying to help them. we're studying beetle behavior, and that information can only do them good. earlier this month we predicted that this is something that they'd do. fuckin profit-driven, short-sighted, megalomaniac paper company.

i'm jealous. skylar went off on an international sailboat race. without me! i want to learn how to sail.

my five yr old stalker and his sisters are torturing my poor turtles. they've dropped bill bob twice. sittin here trying to figure out how much longer i can stand this. *wince*. jacob (the kid) wanted to keep t.s. eliot, but i told him no. but softened the blow by letting him have two beetles. cripes, he was pleased! i wish i was still a child. children are so easy to please. they've got low expectations, and yet think the world is such a huge, wonderful place.

random thoughts -

if the boy and i had a kid, it would be a chigga (racial purists try that one on for size!).

i don't know where to stand on the racial purism issue. on the one hand, we need individual races and cultures (diversity is happy!). and on the other, people are people are people. are people, regardless of race; so what's wrong w the world becoming a melting pot? except for the aforementioned...i guess i just don't know what it all means. another point for the happy medium on this one.

speed limits are pointless and useless and excessive and completely unecessary. people should be responsible for their own stupidity. germany doesn't have a speed limit and they're fine. i spose americans might not be responsible or intelligent enough to determine what speeds to drive at. and another thing, what's the point of having a car if you can't drive fast? :) safely, of course...

somebody needs to enlighten me on this sudan issue.

a caged animal, no matter how big the cage is respective to the animal, is always attempting to escape.

farmers are extremely garrulous because they rarely see strangers, and when they see one, they talk to make sure you're aware of their plight.

to aid them in their plight, i'll help spread the word. FARMERS ARE BEING BULLIED BY THE DNR AND GIANT CORPORATIONS SUCH AS INTERNATIONAL PAPER. those smarty-pants and dem hot shits wid degrees think they better than everybody else. two-bit pricks! think they can talk down to farmers and don't give a shit bout farmers' opinions. think they can come in here like they own the land and ignore everybody that was here before them.

hope i did them justice.

i just downed a lot of sugar. time to get off my ass.

"In a place out of doors, near forests and meadows, stands a jar of vinegar – the emblem of life.
Confucius approaches the jar, dips his finger in and tastes the brew. “Sour,” he says. Nonetheless, I can see where it could be very useful in preparing certain foods.”
Buddha comes to the vinegar jar, dips in a finger and has a taste. “Bitter,” is his comment. “It can cause suffering to the palate, and since suffering is to be avoided, the stuff should be disposed of at once.”
The next to stick a finger in the vinegar is Jesus Christ. “Yuk,” says Jesus. “It’s both bitter and sour. It’s not fit to drink. In order that no one else will have to drink it, I will drink it all myself.”
But now two people approach the jar, together, naked, hand in had. The ………….First the man and then the woman sticks a thumb in the vinegar. She licks his thumb and he hers. Initially they make a face, but almost immediately they break into wide grins. “It’s sweet,” they chime. “Swee-eet!”"


"I take the universal and make it personal. The only truly magical and poetic exchanges that occur in this life occur between two people. Sometimes it doesn’t get that far. Often, the true glory of existence is confined to individual consciousness. That’s okay. Let us live for the beauty of our own reality."


-Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues