what scares me the most is that he can't see that it's falling apart, it's been rotting and soon there will be nothing left and he's totally oblivious. and what can i do but sit here and watch? he won't listen and i can't speak.

who knew i'd be crossing picket lines to go to class? felt like i was doing something terribly wrong. saw this girl almost get assaulted when she tried to go in a building. they were yelling things at her like "don't cross the line!!! don't go in!" crazy ta's. i can hear them chanting right now, they're everywhere....

so our TA's are striking tomorrow and asked all the undergrads not to go to class. that's 20,000 people not going to class. how exciting. they're going to be picketing all the main campus buildings, and have asked us not to cross the picket lines. it's so dramatic. i think i have to go to class tomorrow, though; cuz i have a lab and that TA isn't striking...

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour"
-Blake

Well i can now truly appreciate that little snippet. our ecology lab topic the other day was on the diversity of invertebrates found in leaf litter. we collected samples of leaves/dirt (basically the layer of stuff on top of the soil and under the tree) from eight trees, and then picked through it for all the invertebrates we could find. it was fascinating, really. we found 62 different species, from under eight trees! just made me think about the worlds that i miss daily, all the different scales of being that there are.

oy. it's all i've ever wanted and what i've craved for all these years and now that i have it i don't know what to do with it, i'm frightened by it and am most comfortable ignoring it.

went to a break dance battle last night. they had some pretty talented breakers. and some really pretty ones...mmmm! the only thing is, it really bothered me that there was only one female. she wasn't very good, but i had to give her props for just being there. makes me wanna start breaking again...haha, that'd be a sight. there was also this kid there who looked like he was ten, but claimed he was thirteen. he was good, but so cocky! needs to be smacked around by his mama or something. i mean, he gets to travel with his crew, stay out late at night, and gets too much attention for his own good.


"ok, i guess i was bitter, but for a good reason...dont you think?.......well, i guess im keeping you from you great cool busy life where you have to make time to respond only when your old friend has become withdrawn and embittered...dont worry, ill be ok."

erm...oops? sometimes i just don't know how to gauge friendships. like in this case, i really didn't think we're that great of friends. i mean, i really like him, etc; but "old friend"? ok. i guess i'm guilty of what i was yelling at shirlee for, caring too much about what people think. in this case, everything was going well until, for no reason at all, i got it into my head that i was showing too much interest. i guess i didn't want to scare him or something, so i stopped calling him that often. turns out, apparently we were on the same level. i'm really working on not caring. i guess it's easier to hurt than to be hurt.

"Fast-food chain McDonald's Chairman and Chief Executive Jim Cantalupo, 60, died of an apparent heart attack this morning."

this is a terrible thing to say, but...how fitting. i mean, it's really too bad the guy died, but the irony in the way he passed is much appreciated.

i am a sell-out. i got a job this summer studying bugs. i was initially very excited, but then i realized that i'd be studying "pests" for a paper company so they can maximize their profits. i feel terrible. i don't want to be a part of this mess! the human race has already fucked up the earth enough, when are we going to learn to stop? haven't we learned that when we fuck with nature, it comes back to bite us in the ass ten times harder? the paper company's tree lot is full of monoclonal trees; mainly the ones that grow the fastest and produce the greatest yield. but of course, these are the ones that are most susceptible to pests. so they call in the scientists to study these pests, to see what we can do about it. agh. i don't want to be a part of it!!! i realized this when i started reading the research proposal; the author referred to the insects as "pests". i don't want to have that mindset! they're not "pests", they're just insects doin what they gotta do! they're only pests because they're fucking with somebody's profits. oy. lesson learned - don't fuck with a human being's money. fuck that shit. agh therefore, i am the biggest sellout because i really need a job this summer and nothing better came along (but i really like bugs!!), and it wouldn't look too bad on my resume....sell-out!! good thing there's no "sell-out" section on my resume. so i guess i'll just bumble through the summer pretending i don't know that i'm out there for the sake of somebody's profits, and the whole reason i'm out there is for pure scientific enlightenment, and nothing more. oy i wish the world really was that simple, people lived and did things without having profits on their minds. i just want to learn something for the sake of knowing it, damnit!

"All depression has its roots in self pity, and self pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously." -Tom Robbins.

Well, there's my answer. btw, i love Tom Robbins!

i love thunderstorms. this one, especially, is a romantic poet/painter's dream. so much fury, so much passion, so much power! ROAR!!! or RAWR!! ? somebody once told me that a rawr was much better than a puny roar. i disagree. rawr, to me, sounds like little simba attempting a ROAR!!!! ROAR has just got so much more soul, more 'umph'. funny thing a little "o" can do.

i spose another reason this particular thunderstorm gives me so much satisfaction is because all the drunken white people are stuck in it...muahhaha :) that's what you get for being sheep! they're absolutely terrible. last week one threw up in front of our door. it was lovely. another week, somebody shat in the sink. haven't quite figured out the logisitics of that yet. and they're unbelievably loud at 4am. granted, i have been tipsy at 4am, but at least i'm still considerate when i'm tipsy. don't think i'm quite capable of being drunk. oh, the drunken white hordes are so terrible that even all the black people are scared of them! the black people either don't go out, or hide out and have their own parties and try to avoid the scary white people as best they can. it's really quite hilarious.

oooo...must get a breath of this storm, my lungs are itching to be filled with fresh spring air. i think i'm the only person i know that goes puddle jumping at 1am. sober.

p.s. i never understood why people are so afraid of rain. it's just water, damnit! are you afraid of melting? god forbid your precious hair get a little water in it. or your shirt get wet. it's going to be washed, isn't it? (this commentary was brought about by a portion of the screaming drunk white hordes under my window. i think one of them got her eyelash wet. maybe she forgot to use waterproof mascara. or maybe somebody's fake tan is dripping down her legs. or maybe somebody's whole face is washing away! how exciting.)

shit shit shit shit shit. sheeeeit. my gpa is so fucked. fuck. sometimes i get so annoyed that i just want to say "fuck it, who cares?" but then my parents' faces come into mind, and i can't do it. i just can't not be a doctor. i mean, that's been the whole reason for my existence for the past ten, fifteen years. and i'm sick of it. i said i wanted to be a doctor because helping people makes me happy. and i love biology, mother nature is amazing. and it's true. i genuinely want to and am going to be a doctor. but lately, a tiny little part of me has begun to think it's silly. i want to help people's souls, not just their bodies. anybody who studies hard enough can heal a person physically. i want to inspire people, i want to make people laugh, think. i want to be an artist. however, i always thought that artistry requires a certain insight and originality that i never had. so i guess i'm stuck between the proverbial rock and some kind of hard place. or rather, a tunnel with no branches. just one long straight tube that leads to med school. maybe one day, as i'm fumbling towards the end, i'll come across a stick of dynamite and blow it up.

arg. only a few weeks of madison left, which means i only have to deal with these sheep a little bit longer. i thought high school was a place where people found themselves, grew into individuals, but i was most definitely wrong. from the way all the people in my residence hall act, you'd think it was just the opposite. apparently high school is a giant melting pot, where after four years of stewing into a homogenous mixture, everybody comes out assimilated. from my observations, it's even worse if the high school is in wisconsin and is mostly white. : /

i am bleeding out of approximately half of my orifices. interesting. and a little bit annoying.

"Also with taking your MCAT next April, have you considered the EDP(Early Decision Program)? The decision is early enough that if you don't make the school you want, you have time to apply to others. Just from the short time that I've known you, I can't see you not making your first choice. Let me know if you want to try that and I'll help you put your packet together. Hopefully it will be for here."

wow....somebody that actually believes in me. amazing. it's very inspirational. especially since it's somebody that could get me into med school, even if it is duluth. only kinda sad, he could potentially be very let down....sigh.

on a more positive note, the world could be so much more of a better place if all the children had somebody that believed in them! think of all the happy feelings!

ooo...i feel roly-poly, i feel roly-poly, hey! roly poly-o! roly poly, roly poly, roly poly, eeeeeeee!!!! uh.
second verse, wut. ooohhhhhhh...yo, prohhhhhhh-crastinating, but i'd rather be masturbatin, uh uh uh. jigga.


today's revelations -
1. nothing really rhymes with procrastinating but masturbating.
2. rap really needs new people. and new subjects. i'm really truly sick of hearing about bein up in da club and smokin dat sheezy-faheezy on that oooo-weee and chicks wid digs and ho's and twenty-fo's.
you'd think that's all black people do. ho's and ice and rims and oooo-weee. c'mon people!!! give yourselves some credit. i know you live real lives and do real things. really. and you really do have brains too! rap should regress back to the early 90's, Luquan-style (nobody's ever heard of him).
"You're provin' them right by suckin' the pipe, stereotype./Media hype is killing me. Why must my brother steal from me?"
"Never in life would I fight for this land/The US cares less about a Black Man."
See? perfectly capable of rapping about real things. anyway, just feeling a little defensive...nothin new, being in madison and all...
3. my tuition money is going towards pretty new sidewalks. i'm not going to start on that one.
4. "heads up seven up", a favorite second-grade game, was completely pointless.
5. i'm disgustingly, foulishly, inanely, conventionally gluttinous and over-laden with fatty tissue.
6. i'm also disgustingly, foulishly, inanely, living an entirely conventional pointless life.
7. so are a lot of other people.
8. madison's bums are over-fed, over compensated, overly dramatic abusers of the system.
9. The Man is an asshole with an inferiority complex and heartburn.
10. I need to stop whining.
11. I also need to start studying.
12. Porn is really funny.


p.s. Ladder theory is bullshit with an ounce of truth. and it would be funny if the guy didn't come of as over-zealous and irritating.

he bought a phone card so he can talk to me. how touching.

last weekend we went to chicago for a day to help out with the Boys and Girls Club. what a joke. what were we thinking? there we were, a group of white (plus one asian and one black) wisconsin wanna-do-gooders come to help the poor little disadvantaged black children. blegh. it was almost funny, really.

the problem with most scientists/researchers is that they all think they're doing "exciting, groundbreaking" work. heh.


though as an afterthought, i spose that enthusiasm is necessary. where would we be without it?