shit shit shit shit shit. sheeeeit. my gpa is so fucked. fuck. sometimes i get so annoyed that i just want to say "fuck it, who cares?" but then my parents' faces come into mind, and i can't do it. i just can't not be a doctor. i mean, that's been the whole reason for my existence for the past ten, fifteen years. and i'm sick of it. i said i wanted to be a doctor because helping people makes me happy. and i love biology, mother nature is amazing. and it's true. i genuinely want to and am going to be a doctor. but lately, a tiny little part of me has begun to think it's silly. i want to help people's souls, not just their bodies. anybody who studies hard enough can heal a person physically. i want to inspire people, i want to make people laugh, think. i want to be an artist. however, i always thought that artistry requires a certain insight and originality that i never had. so i guess i'm stuck between the proverbial rock and some kind of hard place. or rather, a tunnel with no branches. just one long straight tube that leads to med school. maybe one day, as i'm fumbling towards the end, i'll come across a stick of dynamite and blow it up.

arg. only a few weeks of madison left, which means i only have to deal with these sheep a little bit longer. i thought high school was a place where people found themselves, grew into individuals, but i was most definitely wrong. from the way all the people in my residence hall act, you'd think it was just the opposite. apparently high school is a giant melting pot, where after four years of stewing into a homogenous mixture, everybody comes out assimilated. from my observations, it's even worse if the high school is in wisconsin and is mostly white. : /