i must have some pathological fear of forming relationships. i actually calculated today, on average, i have given my number out to two guys per night i've been here. that makes for 16 guys! the surprising thing is, most of them have called, and i've hung out with a lot of them. what's not surprising is, nothing's gonna happen. i don't know why, but any time a guy asks for anything more than friendship, i back off like i've touched a hot stove or something. i mean sure, i'm not really all that attracted (physically or mentally) to any of them, but all i ever wanted in the world was a casual relationship. it's funny, it's like once i know a guy is attracted to me, i loose all respect for him. i guess what freaks me out about relationships is that you have to give yourself up so completely to another person, you're naked. hell, i can't even open up to myself, i can't accept myself, how can i expect another person to accept what's in me? and that's the appeal of a fling - abates the loneliness a bit, and you don't have to open up that far. but i just can't do it. there's only one person i ever want to be with and i guess if it's not him, it's nobody (but then again, how the hell do i know it's him? i don't even really know him and am i attracted to him only becuase i know it'll never be mutual?) ...i guess i never was cut out for flings. if anything, that's what i learned last year...*grimace* hahaha enough rambling, i don't even know if this makes sense.