so much weirdness in my life. i guess i kinda have a boyfriend. boyfriend. what a weird word. especially when used by me in reference to me. weird.

what the hell is art? i've been trying to figure that out for the looongest time. i read in a book once that "it's just when you have to see something liike it is in your head." you're just itching to see it in front of you, and it's a manifestation of your vision. and for a while that was my favorite definition. but what about art as a skill? are we all artists then? i used to give the word "artist" a sort of respect. it was a person with vision, originality, somebody with a purpose or that possessed a certain type of eye/mind for aestheticness. there's also a problem there, because what about the people that possess the skill but no what we like to call "vision"? what about industrialized "art"? is it even art? the dictionary says that art is "a trade or skill". what happened to creativity? maybe my dictionary's just weird.

but yesterday somebody asked me why i took some of the really weird pictures i took. i told him - because i can. and it hit me later that that's the answer i've been looking for, those three words embody all that is art -

because i can!!!

trapped in this cobweb of lies that you've spun for yourself
you seek solace in denial
create a cacophany of platitudes
get caught up in a whirlwind of maniacism
drown in a sea of cliches
dream desperately of flight
but all is in vain
because in the end,
you're still running from the oncoming spider

maniacal flowers in a chaotic land
an insolent will collides with a benevolent soul
i try to still time, but it slips away like sand in my hand

meaning extracted from this convoluted mess
a population in distress

reflections herald angst
as injustices resurface
unchecked corpulence and wanton desires...
seeds of indifference have been sown

i saw the coolest quote today:

nietzsche - "god is dead"
god - "nietzsche is dead"

:)

saw the cutest old fob couple. they were trying to pronounce "observatory", but it came out as "ah-pus-a-fa-toe-rai"...rambling cuz i don't feel like studying even though i should. and typing to feel productive and i like the way the keys feel under my fingers. the "crunch" that they make. though i don't think crunch is a good word for it, it's the only word i can come up with. already behind in half my classes. had no idea what microbio/immunology prof was talking about so, i fell asleep. smart, huh. at least i went to class...ha. yes, i deserve a cookie for going to all my classes so far :). uh, anyway, onto other scintillating news items of the day...heh wait, there are none. such is my life. oh, ben and jen split. it's freakin everywhere, everybody's talking about it. jeesus, who the hell cares? that was a rhetorical question, obviously, cuz i answered it before i asked it. oy what a loser i am. i know! i can have a little pity party for myself. it's only allowed to last five minutes though, because i just complained a couple blogs ago about the pettiness of the world. ok here we go! so much ugliness in me! not only in me though, on the outside too. not that it matters. not that i care either. i'm just having a five minute break down. or however long it would take for free willy to jump over this brick wall of mine. in which case it's either a really really wide brick wall or my pity party's over. we'll opt for the first option. i'm sick of my face i hate my skin my teeth my hair my eyes my nose my arms my legs my stomach there's so much fat fat fat fat fat fat that's alll just a giant lump of fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fafatfat fatfat fatty fatty fat fat fat just sitting here blegh ugh yuck disgusting. i disgust myself. i'm sick of being lazy and unmotivated and greedy and unhappy and unsatisfied and ungrateful little bitch that i am. fuckin idiot. sick of being a fucking idiot. a clown. a fumbling bumbling blockhead. sick of being stupid stupid stupid fat stupid fat fat stupid stupid stupid. stupid. stupid!!!!! why didn't i get the good genes from my parents? and how the hell did so much ugliness get jammed into one person?fuckin annoying. what ugliness is this festering inside me? dark hopeless chaos. cesspool of hopelessness inside, that's what. a void, an abyss... hate it when people sit around and whine and complain like i am. what does it accomplish?

ok that was five minutes. i'm quite ashamed of myself now. there are worse things in the world than being me. i think. come to think of it, it is all relative! i mean, if i were a starving child in ethiopia, i would suffer every day by being hungry and malnourished, etc. but as i am the way i am now, i suffer every day by being stupid and fat. now i know this is outrageously...something, can't think of the word. this is awful to say, but is there any way to say that our suffering is almost equivalent? because the worlds we (the child and i) were raised in were so different. in our society, being fat and stupid is almost as awful as starving in their society, right? is it possible to say that my being fat and stupid makes me suffer just as much as the kid suffers?


come to think of it, no. just...no.

embrace the beauty of the night. lines and boundaries are no more, transformed into monsters and treasures galore. shapes and shadows morph and blend, the paltry light does rip and rend. a hooded figure, a crying baby, a sharp-fanged wolf, which is you?

oy lost my train of thought. what is it with words anyway? when am i going to stop living in them and start living them?

oh dear i'm a terrible, terrible, mean-spirited person. my roommate's on the phone with her sister, and i'm typing this as she speaks.

"So I’m doing my laundry and it took like forever cuz there weren’t any empty washers. It made me so mad! Like, people just left their stuff in the machines! And I didn’t want to take them out because I felt bad. And then i went to dry my clothes and the dryer I put my clothes in didn’t work. So I asked this guy like “um…I can’t get my dryer to work” and he was like “oh that happened to me to, just use another one”. So I look, and there are no other dryers left! It made me so mad. I mean, most of the stuff was done, people just left their stuff sitting in there. And I don’t have enough guts to just throw their stuff out, I mean…so I see this one dryer that just kinda stopped, and I look, and there’s one washcloth and a pair of shorts! It pissed me off so much. So I’m like, okay, I guess I can take that out. So I folded my clothes downstairs, and by the time I get all the way upstairs, they’re like all wrinkly and nasty again. Ugh. Anyway, I was folding them on the table,and I was only taking up half the table cuz there was a guy doing his homework on the other side and I didn’t want to like take up the entire table. And then this guy comes up and says to the other guy “um, could you move your stuff, I need to fold.” Like oh my god! So we’re folding and he like takes over the entire table! My pants are like hanging over the table and I can’t even like fold them. And this guy was like taking over the whole table and I didn’t want to say anything cuz I was like scared because he was like being all snotty and stuff to the other guy."


hahahaha...ok i just needed that laugh. i can't believe she just spent five minutes discussing her unfortunate laundry escapades. jeesus. like oh my god, i'm such a hata! oy alrite, i'm done being mean now. really truly, i've got a big giant warm heart...'s just sometimes people and things grate me a bit...she's a wonderful person, my roommate.

him: so where you sleepin tonight?
me: uh...in my room
him: can i come?
me: if you like sleeping on floors...
him: hell naw, i'm sleepin in your bed!
me: then where the fuck am i gonna sleep?
him: your bed will fit two people
me: the fuck it will

ha! look at the willpower i have!!! it's so sad that i'm so proud for turning him down. what a depraved, wanton soul i have become...what a cocky prick though. just cuz he plays football and he's hot...fucker gets on my nerves. not to mention that that's just about the longest conversation we've ever had.

i have lost all faith in the male half of our species. and most of the female half, too actually, but that i'll get to later.
#3guy of the night to grab my ass
him: come on, just one night!
me: no
him: why?
me: no
him: please?
me: no
him: at least let me buy you a drink
me: no
him: you know, you're really sexy
me: and you're fuckin drunk
etc, etc, etc...

when asking doesn't work, they turn to begging, then bribing, and then flattery. agh!

dickhead#4:
him: hey baby, give me a kiss
erm...so i was a little tipsy, i gave him a peck on the cheek and then tried to run away, but he grabbed me and wouldn't let go until i kicked him where it counts

so that one was a bit my fault. and i don't know why i'm dwelling on this so much. i spose this is what parties are all about, cesspools of superficiality, an animal world based solely on instinct and pleasure where girls lay themselves out like pieces of meat for boys to look at like it's their only commodity. so i guess i should just chill out. or stop going to parties. cuz they piss me off. sometimes. though i did meet a boy that i spent the night with shouting over the music about freudian theory and how skateboarding is a form of dance. so maybe there is hope in the world.

i speak game cuz baby i can't talk it

so much pettiness in the world. driving me INSANE

hell everybody's gotta have a reason to be happy
but nobody can come up with a single one

i call but you're not there
sometimes i wonder why i even care
the empty blare of a dial tone
echoes the lonely beat of this heart

bleghty blah de blah blah blah

another round of mindlesss conversation
a forced smile and faked elation
all the while,
studying the crack in that tile
what originates from a single point
spreads and devours the entire square
as we are seduced my mediocrity and decieved by the mundane
assimilation consumes originality

another round of mindless conversation
a forced smile and faked elation and
i feel myself drift
away

if we could view the world through frames other than time and space, what would they be?

what in this world can be uniquely your own? what are we, really, but salmon swimming upstream, surging in a desperate clash for uniqueness?

stuck in my own ignorant frames
connosieur of idiocy
frustration tied around my neck
denseness makes me immobile
like a piece of gum stuck between the pages of the magazine you were reading

if you can see past the fumbling let me know

two words -


FUCK IT

oy what a night. where have all the decent men gone? that's all i want to know.

holy sheeeeeeeit. i'm so fuckin worked up right now i can't think straight. my hands are shaking. deep breath...discipline!!!! jesus i still smell like him. oy somebody tell me what is so very wrong with a purely physical relationship? we're only animals, no?

haha just read what i wrote last night...listen to me blubber! i think i'll keep that up for it's pure entertainment value

i must have some pathological fear of forming relationships. i actually calculated today, on average, i have given my number out to two guys per night i've been here. that makes for 16 guys! the surprising thing is, most of them have called, and i've hung out with a lot of them. what's not surprising is, nothing's gonna happen. i don't know why, but any time a guy asks for anything more than friendship, i back off like i've touched a hot stove or something. i mean sure, i'm not really all that attracted (physically or mentally) to any of them, but all i ever wanted in the world was a casual relationship. it's funny, it's like once i know a guy is attracted to me, i loose all respect for him. i guess what freaks me out about relationships is that you have to give yourself up so completely to another person, you're naked. hell, i can't even open up to myself, i can't accept myself, how can i expect another person to accept what's in me? and that's the appeal of a fling - abates the loneliness a bit, and you don't have to open up that far. but i just can't do it. there's only one person i ever want to be with and i guess if it's not him, it's nobody (but then again, how the hell do i know it's him? i don't even really know him and am i attracted to him only becuase i know it'll never be mutual?) ...i guess i never was cut out for flings. if anything, that's what i learned last year...*grimace* hahaha enough rambling, i don't even know if this makes sense.

i was walking on campus this morning, and this guy was preaching. i wasn't paying any attention until he got up on a bench and yelled at the top of his lungs "everyody needs to WAKE UP!!!!". haha i wonder how many times i've walked down the street or just sat talking to/watching people and their blank faces, blind lives and wanted to yell the same thing. how refreshing! WAKE UP!!!! OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!!!!

i now see the appeal of hunting. went crabbing in ny yesterday. there's just something so satisfying in conquering another living being. it's a simple game of catch, straightforward, none of this bullshit of the human world. it's a simple game of life and death, survival of the fittest. the strong will survive and the weak will perish. being a part of this tension is something so natural and instinctive; one of the oldest stories of life on this planet.

found myself wishing i could slip into the silky smooth waters of the bay and disapear without a ripple or a bubble. nobody would have noticed. there's a whole separate world underneath the waters of the ocean. it's a hazy blue universe, murky and seductive...