today this pothead came in seeking medical attention, but he wouldn't let us give him anything because he was worried about synthetic chemicals. wanted to ask him - what about that MiracleGro that the weed you're smoking was probably sprayed with? he was so worried about purity (yes, he said it in italics). i sympathize with him, but people loose me when they go to such extremes. and are ignorant about it.
of course, he was also a vegetarian, shopped at health food stores and was into "eastern religions". it's scary how people can be so predictable at times.

oops. didn't mean to sound so judgemental, but this guy was just too much. it would've been fine if he had known what he was talking about, but he was clueless, a fad-follower. he tried to preach to me about buying "organic" foods. when i asked him if he knew what "organic" really meant, he stumbled and said something along the lines of "uh...it means it's pure". roighto, buddy. organic foods also have good karma. and they'll improve your qi and show you The Way. and we musn't forget the chakra!


double whammy for Edward Said today. he's probably turning in his grave. tried "oriental flavored" ramen, always wanted to know- wtf is oriental flavor? i always imagine oriental rugs transposed into soup-which means absolutely nothing - a western set of symbols to make the east more palatable, easy to digest. anyway, back to my ramen. what exactly does oriental flavor entail, you ask?

soy sauce.

i'm lost. feelin like a seasick sailor and an emotional hemophiliac. i've been stabbed and it won't stop bleeding. make that a seasick sailor aboard a sinking ship.

what is it i like to tell people when they get down? it's all in your head. i suppose a change of mind might cure seasickness and hemophilia, just as callousness and apathy will patch a leaky vessel. but that godamn apathy is elusive right now. workin on it.

to begin with, all the mirrors and side panels on my car vibrate when i turn up the music. speakers. i like speakers, especially those of the subwoofer variety.

i also like the sound of deer hooves on pavement. it sounds a bit like horse hooves except much lighter.

fuck.

BLASPHEMY. is what it is to stay indoors on a day like this. this is why i'm not studying. i've been very bad lately, in more ways than one-morally, ethically, financially, academically.
i spose it could be worse, but that in itself is bad - i can't even be a good failure. if i'm going to fail, i might as well do it with style, but i'm too mediocre for that. i think that's my biggest fear- to live a completely mediocre life. well. at least i'm very good at being mediocre?

btw, if anybody's looking for a roomie for the coming school year, look no further. also, if you don't mind living in shoreview (no, i don't know where that is either), i have open rooms! this living sit is starting to piss me off. but we won't get into that cuz then i'd have to be bad again.

gonna go for a bike ride rather than study because, in my twisted mind, staying inside is more of a crime than not studying and consequently failing --> not getting into grad school --> failing at life. priorities, wynee? whatever happened to those?

oh yeah, one last thing. i'm giving up on men and relationships. at least for a while. at least until my hormones won't allow it? shit.


*edit*
i killed him again
or at least, i feel like i've committed murder.
this post seemed somewhat detached. think it's cuz i've spent an unhealthy amount of time agonizing over issues that i just need to get over, let go of. so i end up sounding rather callous.

today i learned that it's a bad idea to try to kill yourself by swallowing a nail. it is excruciatingly painful and annoying, and it doesn't always result in death. but it looks really cool on xray.

i also learned that certain fast-food joints and certain hospitals have one thing in common - good business sense. actually, they share more than that; both have surly employees and bad food, but i digress. it'd be interesting to find out how much money burger king and mcdonald's make from having playgrounds. it must be a lot of mcdollars.
as for hospitals, southdale hospital generates billions (i hear it's around $10 bill) in extra revenue every quarter just by providing an ems lounge and good food for emt's. other hospitals are catching on, though. it'll be interesting to see how far this competition will go.

what's also interesting is how incredibly lenient minneapolis/st paul are towards alcoholics/homeless. i had a discussion on this topic today with a paramedic that waxed philosophical. in his words (actually not really verbatim, i'm paraphrasing) "some people subscribe to the belief that there is some good in everybody. i don't." which is funny, because to be any sort of health care professional, shouldn't you be rather humanistic in your beliefs? i asked him this, and he didn't really have a good answer other than "it's a job". kinda sad, although i do believe he enjoys his job, to some extent. as for me, i don't believe that there is "good" in everybody, i have a problem with the qualification "good". i do, however, think everybody possesses characteristics that are desirable in certain situations, and i think you can learn something from everybody. to give an extreme example, a murderer would be regarded by most people as "bad", but s/he may be resourceful or creative. everybody has some desirable qualities.
however, getting back to health care, if a person doesn't even want to help themselves, there is no point in trying to help them. this is where our health care system frustrates me. we spend much of our already limited resources on people that have no will to live or just take advantage of the city's services. it's really frustrating to pick up a person, send them (on a $900 ambulance ride) to the ER (at least another $2000) or detox, where they get food, a place to stay, and clothing; only to see them passed out on the streets the next day or on their way to the hospital again.

let's get past the boogie and move on to the woogie now. this dialogue has become as useful as repeated syncopal episodes or scotch-tape repairs. i've lost my handle on anything profound, i've flippantly flipped my flippy plastic lid, i've run out of rhythm like a car runs out of gas and i'm left only with discordant synth-core metal electronic hip-hop funk punk junk rusty-engine percussion beats.

why can't i just have both? or at least the best of both worlds...

i went to the circus the other day. it wasn't quite as exciting as i had hoped. no gypsies, no fleas, no mice...though there were a lot of russians in spandex. pink, nonetheless.

also went to vancouver for 17 hours. a lotta chinks there; so many that chinese is almost the second language. beautiful city, got mountains and sea. i want a hut someday on a mountain that overlooks the sea.

i'm no longer a teenager! don't quite know how i feel about that. except tired. finally got a moment to sit down and breathe and i'm about to fall asleep.