pictures i almost killed myself to take. (took them while i was driving...recklessly)



actually, this one was taken while not in a moving vehicle


i won't be heartbroken if you don't call
but i won't deny that i'll be a little disappointed

Warning: whiney personal rant ahead...don't bother reading.

back home. or rather, back at parent's house, still homeless.
being at home brings on the suicide instinct. i say instinct because it's a survival tactic.

puzzling over Wynee's Conundrum. why is wynee a failure? got it down to two things- i either lack discipline or motivation. but they go hand in hand, so it must just be that i'm not motivated, cuz that's part of discipline. and discipline is easy to take care of. sorta. so why am i not motivated? being a doctor is just too...establishmentarian for me. i don't want to be a part of society any more, i'm sick of it. and watching the doctors deal with insurance, HMO's, etc has totally turned me off.
the problem with this is that i can't see myself doing anything else. oh, and i can't just go off and be a complete hermit (used to be plan b) cuz i like people too much. and i have familial duties to fulfill. and i spose i must justify my existence somehow?
what i need to do is grow some balls and....and what? paint? (paint what?) start a business? (selling what?)
maybe it'd be easier to grow some balls if i had any sort of talent. or testosterone, but i think it's a little late for that.
so i guess i'm going to pull something so typically wynee it's disgusting. it doesn't matter. nothing matters in the grand scheme of things. and if i don't like where i'm at, too bad. i'm stuck here by default. suck it up, wynee. get over yourself. and i'm back to where i was. a;ldkfalksdjflkae. see? i'm a very circuitous thinker. which is bad, because that means i get nowhere. distance traveled = a lot. net displacement = 0.

THERE IS NO PLAN B

also must stop making excuses. my excuse for my gpa this sem was that i'm not motivated enough because of the aforementioned reasons. really now, that's pretty lame.
it just occured to me that whenever i'm dissatisfied with my life (which happens all too often), a picture of the future pops into my head. i'll be running everyday, i'll have read the books i want to read, i'll have painted all the craziness in my head, and i'll be at peace with....everything.
time to stop being dissatisfied, time to stop this "i'd be fine if i wasn't living with my parents, if only i had this, if only i was that." time to make the future the present. no more excuese, eh? haha. sounds like some cheesey ad campaign. "the future is now!"
told ya i was circuitous.