gloriously sunny days are my undoing.
but then again so are foggy, rainy or overcast ones.
i should just forget "doing" in general :)

i put my hand in a cow yesterday. actually, not just my hand. my whole godamn arm. it was warm. and the cow didn't mind. i collected rumen fluid samples. it was fun.

decisions, decisions. light up another cigarette and keep rolling. this is how we do, in these times of fast cars and faster food. i do somersaults and cartwheels in the green green green grass just because i can. i try not to notice the enormous used car sales lots or neon signs. i won't worry about who i am or where i'm going because i am who i am and i be where i be. though oftentimes i wish i could be elsewhere. but since i'm here, i might as well enjoy it. i like to celebrate with pencil and paper, it's delicious - graphite smearing off onto paper, uncontrollably, exhilaratingly. it's in the motion, it's in the result, it's in the feeling. it's the creating, it's the instigating, it's the being.
yesterday, as he watched the eagle soar above us, he sighed what we've all heard many times before - i wish i could fly. yes, don't we all. but

let's make the birds envious, shall we?

latest musical obsession: Folk Implosion

last phone conversation-
me: ok, bye. see you next week
him: bubye, iloveyou
me: ...huh?
him: i love you
me: ......ok. bye.

last meal- the best ever. The Tea House Chinese Restaraunt somewhere west of Minneapolis. real sichuanese food, yo.

this is crazy: doodlebug.desktopcreatures.com
people do all this with a mouse? i tried it, and everything looks like crap.

everything. hurts. head, heart, stomach, all the extremities.

fell out of a tree today. think i'm too old to be climbing trees. well, too old to be falling out of them at least. you're never too old to climb one.
another one for the soy sauce queen

would like to learn aikido, kendo or judo, but for now i'll have to remain "-do" less.
well i guess i am beddo, headed the way of the bed (not the correct usage, i know).

steel strings and a rhythm that won't leave my body.
and my body vibrates as if it were a steel string only it doesn't make noise, no wooden box to resonate and it's not as taut. if i were a guitar, i'd be an acoustic i like to feel the resonating in my body, sure electric's got more bells and whistles, but you can't feel the resonance!

never realized that jazz is actually quite difficult on the piano. it looks so simple on the sheet, but it only sounds right when played fast.
fingers are raw from the steel strings of my $10 acoustic guitar.
but i feel good. it's been music all day, just me the piano and guitar.
i could get used to this life.
or not. at some point i'd get tired of it and it'd be done done and on to the the next one; a characteristic of mine of which i'm none too proud. there's just too much in this world, too many people, places, sonatas, paintings, arpeggios, dances, birds, photographs, books all calling my name!
how could anybody ever be bored in such a world? that's what i don't get about people. they sit around and are bored. c'mon now, folks.

time to stop being so jaded.

pictures i almost killed myself to take. (took them while i was driving...recklessly)



actually, this one was taken while not in a moving vehicle


i won't be heartbroken if you don't call
but i won't deny that i'll be a little disappointed

Warning: whiney personal rant ahead...don't bother reading.

back home. or rather, back at parent's house, still homeless.
being at home brings on the suicide instinct. i say instinct because it's a survival tactic.

puzzling over Wynee's Conundrum. why is wynee a failure? got it down to two things- i either lack discipline or motivation. but they go hand in hand, so it must just be that i'm not motivated, cuz that's part of discipline. and discipline is easy to take care of. sorta. so why am i not motivated? being a doctor is just too...establishmentarian for me. i don't want to be a part of society any more, i'm sick of it. and watching the doctors deal with insurance, HMO's, etc has totally turned me off.
the problem with this is that i can't see myself doing anything else. oh, and i can't just go off and be a complete hermit (used to be plan b) cuz i like people too much. and i have familial duties to fulfill. and i spose i must justify my existence somehow?
what i need to do is grow some balls and....and what? paint? (paint what?) start a business? (selling what?)
maybe it'd be easier to grow some balls if i had any sort of talent. or testosterone, but i think it's a little late for that.
so i guess i'm going to pull something so typically wynee it's disgusting. it doesn't matter. nothing matters in the grand scheme of things. and if i don't like where i'm at, too bad. i'm stuck here by default. suck it up, wynee. get over yourself. and i'm back to where i was. a;ldkfalksdjflkae. see? i'm a very circuitous thinker. which is bad, because that means i get nowhere. distance traveled = a lot. net displacement = 0.

THERE IS NO PLAN B

also must stop making excuses. my excuse for my gpa this sem was that i'm not motivated enough because of the aforementioned reasons. really now, that's pretty lame.
it just occured to me that whenever i'm dissatisfied with my life (which happens all too often), a picture of the future pops into my head. i'll be running everyday, i'll have read the books i want to read, i'll have painted all the craziness in my head, and i'll be at peace with....everything.
time to stop being dissatisfied, time to stop this "i'd be fine if i wasn't living with my parents, if only i had this, if only i was that." time to make the future the present. no more excuese, eh? haha. sounds like some cheesey ad campaign. "the future is now!"
told ya i was circuitous.

godamn. i just wrote a paper so amazing that my prof thinks i plagiarized it. i don't know whether to be thrilled at my apparent paper-writing skills, or to be pissed that they expected so much worse outta me. that's how you get rewarded for excellence, folks.

back from new york.
total time spent in transit: 13 hours (includes a 4hr layover in philly).
total time in ny: 18hrs
well, at least it was a fun 18 hrs.

seems like i'm always packing up and leaving. will i ever grow roots? actually, the question should be; will i ever want to grow roots? maybe i like it better this way. sad thing is, despite all this moving around my body's done, it doesn't seem like my mind's done any moving of its own. hrm.

is there something symbolic in the fact that the bike-ride to MCAT class is uphill?

it's that godamn charisma. gets me every time.

i'm in danger of becoming a whiney emo blog-whore. i'm tired of all these the-world-hates-me-i-don't-know-who- i-am-must-find-myself-i-need-attention-comment-on-my-blog-to-validate-my-existence livejournal/xangas.
we won't be havin none of that herre.

though i am tired of this bullshit life i lead. :)

whoa whoa whoa!!! how did i end up here? must study. and sleep. maybe not in that order. but first,

another humdrum doo dum day
so i pedaled to transcend, extend, blend
the bike and i, me and the bike were no more
and i found the droppings of my conscious congealed upon the hot pavement where my sweat should've been.
i'm done
like a sea sick sailor

hm had a lot more to say, but guess that'll come later. see? can't finish any thing.
had an interview today to do a directed study on a project involving epidemics in the serengeti lion herd- entering data, stats, being an office bitch, etc. i have a sneaking suspicion that i'm only interested because i have it in my head that somehow, someway it'll get me to africa. someday. ok, yeah. that's the only reason i'm interested.
think i'll take it, if only to partially/temporarily alleviate my africa itch.

it's just one of them thangs.

you missed an amazing sunset. why is it that i can't express my appreciation for anything beautiful without feeling cheesy? well. tonight's sunset was fuckin' awesome. and i liked it.
too bad a camera couldn't capture the texture of the clouds or the intensity of the colors. so it looked a bit like this (except 17.8436 times more intense):


what a craptastic picture:


this was...last week, i believe. went cloud chasing. it's almost as cool as tornado chasing. (imagine wynee in a less intense version of...uh, twister? whatever movie it was that had people chasing tornados and ducking from flying cows)


she can't take her foot off the gas
there's no such thing as too fast
she won't take her foot off the gas
it's not that she's afraid of ending up last

Chinese Men Measure Up to Others Below the Belt
yes! muahahaha :) though i'm not so sure i believe it - firsthand experience says otherwise.

Everything is ovoid lights and floral plaster, clickety clack tick tock snick snack black bleak bleary. Tell me where to put it and I’ll go. I took the long way baby cuz it was sunnier. Will you be my rhythm? You’re a rhythm without a rhyme but I can rhyme so put us together and we’ve got rhythm and rhyme. Let’s do it.

More fun sex links because I'd rather be talking about sex than writing a paper on marxist and platonic views of communal property. oh my raging hormones!

www.fuckforforest.com Porn to save the environment! Now that's what I'm talkin about. Green hippie porn stars :)
www.world-sex-news.com
http://www.world-sex-records.com lots of fun animal sex statistics.
http://www.year-of-the-cock.com/
http://www.ishotmyself.com/public/general.php?p=tour_one narcissism? art? neither? i dunno...gotta love selfploitation :)

oh yeah, cake concert last week, good stuff. :)
still floundering.