THE CIRCUS IS COMING TO TOWN!
funny how i asked for one a few weeks ago, and here they are :)
now i need somebody to go with me to keep me from running off with them.

five more days to be a teenager. yikes. quick, what do teenagers do?

apparently i'm going to vancouver on sat for one day. at least this time i knew in advance. three whole days. that's an improvement.

"it ain't nuttin' a little liquor won't solve"


"my heart has died many times" met a middle aged afr amer man today who had that tattooed on his arm. when i asked him about it, he told me he spent eight years in the state penitentiary. his cell had a tiny window, not big enough to stick his head out of. so he'd sit by that window and contemplate his life - his children, all he hasn't accomplished, how his dreams have died. he asked his friends to sneak him a needle and some ink and gave himself that tattoo by the meager light of the window. towards the end of the story, he started crying. which, of course, got me all bleary eyed.

little girl died after falling out of the back of a pick-up. there was brain tissue coming out of her nose.

feel so dirty, been shaking all sorts of diseased people's hands. esp this guy who had a fungal infection under all of his fingernails, sores all over his hands and face. i'm going to die.

lady's eyeball periodically got stuck to her glasses. was pretty unresponsive, had a really bad blank STARE going on. answered only a few questions directed at her, attached "as far as i know" to the end of every answer.
emt: "ma'am do you know what date it is?.....what month?....what year?"
lady: "1968, as far as i know".
emt: "ma'am, does this hurt?"
lady: "not really, as far as i know".

"something is wrong with my wife's sexy. it is swollen and very big" (couple from africa, apparently the woman was sewn up)

when i asked this woman what her ethnicity was, she told me christian.
me: "uh...that's a religion, what's your ethnicity?"
her: "i'm christian. i don't consider myself to have a race. other people would say i'm afr american, but i'm really just a christian."

met a guitarist today also, spent hours talking to him about guitar, our lives, etc. very intelligent, interesting man.

it's funny how everybody in the ER has little life lessons, stories to tell you (esp if they're dying, or think they're dying).

went salsa dancing with the fag & co last week. was fun, still don't know how to salsa.

Paintings by Chimpanzee Outsell Warhol

friggin awesome. i don't even really know what to say to that. on the one hand, i'm saddened that something so subjective as art can be so objectified, quantified. on another hand, i think it's great- it sorta kicks human beings off of the pedestal that we've put ourselves on, thinking that we're the only animal species capable of creativity or this noble thing we call "art". and then of course, it brings up the question of defining art. is it a purely anthropomorphic activity?
did i just say the same thing three times?

watching "1 Giant Leap". i know it's been said a billion times before, but music really is the universal language, the common heartbeat, it transcends cultural/language/age barriers. (man, i wish at least one of the previous phrases was original, but don't think that's the case). the only reason i say this is cuz i keep having this mini-epiphany. it's really quite momentous and results in the release of all sorts of endorphins in my body. this happens to me every couple of minutes throughout the dvd. at the risk of sounding corny; it's just beautiful. i love watching the faces of the male nigerian singers and seeing how perfectly they match up with the european woman's face while singing. the closing of the eyes in enjoyment, the tilting of the head (at the same angle, nonetheless) during certain notes, the rocking to the rhythm, the slight smile. it's striking, how the Indian woman's voice and demeanor are so similar to the European woman's, even though they're singing in different languages, probably about different subject matter, in completely different contexts, but their mannerisms are exactly the same. anywhere you go, people dance to the same drumbeats --indian, african, european, asian.
human beings are the same everywhere.

CRIKEY. this time we've really done it. Restless Legs Syndrome?! what's next, knuckle-cracking disorder? i guess i shouldn't be so facetious, i have all the symptoms of RLS, including "chronic insomnia, an overwhelming urge to move the legs, and daytime tiredness". i should probably consult my physician. then he'll prescribe me some pills from GlaxoSmithKline (who happens to be urging awareness of this "disease"). do you have any of these symptoms? fear not! you are not alone. Approx 10% of Americans are also suffering from RLS! don't be afraid to discuss it with your friends and family (they may have it too!). don't delay! RLS could lead to depression or suicide! RLS is a life-altering diagnosis. wait. diagnosis? yes, diagnosis, not trait, not a nervous tick, not a mere idiosyncracy. really now, was it absolutely necessary to establish this as a "syndrome", a "disease"?
oh wait, i forgot. this is america.

thank you, prozac nation.

actually, we should be thanking the Mayo Clinic for the valuable research that will enable more doctors to diagnose more people with RLS and prescribe more pills. god i love capitalism. and the mayo. i love the mayo because it provides pretty much all the baseline data we have on the human race. why is this awesome? because the Mayo happens to be located in Olmstead County, MINNESOTA. who lives in Olmstead County? Upper-middle class WHITE PEOPLE.

thank you, Mayo.

AHHH. nearly had an orgasm. camera came a few days ago. whoa.

been a crazy week - 17hr days, overnight shifts, italian dons, garrulous chinese lawyers, swedish punks, nigerian queens, hostile russians, industrial psychologists, eight hour exams, shrapnel, motorcycle rides, CAMERA. funny, studying should be on that list but it's not. huh. guess i should work on that. actually, studying should be the only thing on the list. but it's not. oh well.

one of my favorite things ever is going from working in the ER to the restaraunt. the change in demographics is so amazing i always feel a little disoriented. i go from one environment with people of "various ethnic backgrounds" (good grief, i hate that phrase, esp when it comes out pretentiously from stuffy white people's asses) to a relatively homogeneous one. both groups are equally interesting, though i must say the interactions i have with the people at the hospital are more exciting and probably more fulfilling.
i'm really tired of seeing stereotypes perpetuated. if i see one more "young african american male w/gun shot wound" or "native american, intoxicated", i will...uh, not sure what i'll do, but i'll be annoyed.
i wanna go skydiving. i work with this girl that does it frequently and it sounds like it's something i need to be doing.
oh good god. AHHHH! i'm about to drop $800 on a camera. aldkfjelwkmova.mfeps.

CRIMINY! i have three weeks left to be a teenager! must go do something stupid now.


favorite ER quotes thus far:

"Ma'am! Sir! Ma'am...or sir. Ok, fine, just walk away."

"Why are there barcodes on my feet?"

"Could you at least give me some dignity please? I'm laying here in my underwear!"

"Doctor! Something's wrong with my thumb! The veins are going the wrong way!! Can you fix it?" Doctor: "Patient thumb examined. Thumb normal."

Nurse: "Are you currently on any medications?"
Patient:"No, and I'll only take meds if you crush them up and I can snort them."

me: "sir, would you rate your pain for me? on a scale of 1-10"
man: "...2. but if i was sober, i'd say 12. also if i was sober, i'd be making a better attempt to hit on you".

i have a new car. don't quite know how it happened.
working graveyard shift at hospital. bored. and tired. waiting for bar time to roll around and for the alcoholics to come rolling in after it.

i'm so bored with my life. yesterday i spent an hour on the back of a motorcycle belonging to a security guard i met at work. i want a motorcycle.

time to start asking "why" instead of "why not". maybe then i'll be more discriminatory in the things i do and the people i...do. i mean, spend time with. used to think "why not" was a good philosophy to live by, but it's recently occured to me that i def need to start caring.
but i'm on this "i'm gonna learn something from every single person i meet" trip, and until i come off of it, i'll be giving my number to the sketchiest of men out there. and anybody that asks.

i've decided to become a gypsy.
as my life thus far has been completely uninspiring, unsatisfactory and disgustingly conventional, this seems to be the most logical thing to do.
now i just have to grow some balls.
and find a suitable circus to run off with. any takers?

i think my first destination (with or without a circus) will be Pamukkale, Turkey. that's wherrre it's at. and then it's off to Beirut, Tanzania, Jiu zhaigou, Luoyang, Paparoa, Granada, Quito

shit. wanderlust again.

how am i ever to get anything done when my head is anywhere but here? sometimes i think i just need to get it all out of my system so i can get on with my so-called life. but once i leave, why would i ever come back?

so ridiculously excited to start work at HCMC (Hennepin Cnty Mdcl Cntr). being in an ER makes me more consciously aware of my aliveness, and it shows in my interactions with people...it shows just in general ;). and i'm really really really looking forward to meeting people. just realized how deprived i've become in terms of person-person relationships. and HCMC is downtown, a fact that gives patient demographics an interesting twist :). i want to know people. i want to know the world. better yet, i want to be the world. i want to know the artists, the criminals, the potheads, the ascetics, the religious fanatics, the mystics, the shamans, the madmen, the rich, the poor, the black white blue yellow red purple and green, the choreographers, the construction workers, the architects, the...labels! goodness all these labels. well i want to know the people that are the labels, the people that aren't, and everything in between. mostly the in between. mostly cuz that's where most people fall. mostly.

whenever somebody asks me why i want to be a doctor, i invariably struggle to come up with a response that doesn't sound too much like the cliche one. however, after a few seconds of hemming and hawing, i finally have to say "i want to be a doctor because fixing things, aiding people, being useful; resonates soundly with my inner architecture." i've recently come to terms with this answer because i've realized that this should be the reason a person enters the medical profession. the only reason, that is. everything else is secondary.

so there. though the institutionalized/establishmentarian aspect of doctorhood still irks me. but...i think i can find my way around that. i won't elaborate.