i like the sound of that.

by default. existence by default.

i exist the way i do merely because i really don't have any other option. all other options would require a passion and aggressiveness that hasn't been characteristic of me lately. i float around haphazardly like a water weed, feeding off of the giant pool of society. of course, sometimes i wonder what it would be like to live for something, to strive for a certain purpose. a scientific achievement perhaps, altruism or some moralistic ideal. i've always admired people that devote their lives to a cause. it seems that i am lower than the lowest animal, for even the common worms strives daily to live, motivated by its instinct that it must LIVE. it eats, sleeps, and shits because it wants to live. i, on the other hand, eat only becuase it gives me pleasure, sleep only when and because i am tired, and shit to relieve myself. i thus live

by default

Currently listening to: Badly Drawn Boy "The Hour of Bewilderbeast"

just finished a book called waiting, by ha jin. i feel like the main characters. every summer the man--a doctor working in the city goes back to his rural home to divorce his wife from their loveleses marriage so he can marry his city girlfriend. he does this for eighteen years, and one year, is finally successful. in the meantime, both his girlfriend and him have grown old, and when they are finally married, they can't help but wonder what it would have been like if they had married eighteen years ago. by this time, they are jaded, passionless, but they must learn to adjust to this new life, because it's what they've been striving for for so long.

is this what i'll end up like? striving for some purpose or another, only to find out in the end that it's really not what i wanted, and that all this time i've been struggling blindly to end up wherever

by default