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right...so i'm bored shitless, haven't been able to concentrate on anything lately

something needs to happen to break this monotony day after day is grey silence swells and washes me away drifting in this sea of nothingness dream in color of red mountains maroon rivers blue deserts green people music all more real than the trash that is reality screaming inanities in shades of grey in one ear and out the other it's always the same exultations and same laments another broken heart cry me a fuckin river i'll swim away in it away from this world...

The pimp-mobile has officially made its last run. I think it's finally dead now, after all those false alarms. Yesterday, I was approaching a yellow light at 40 mph, intent on running it when this giant semi decides to make a left turn, so i stepped on the brakes, confident that i'd be able to stop in time. only nothing happened. So there i was, hurtling towards a semi at 40 mph downhill with no brakes, and all i could think was "oh shit. i'm either gonna die or i'm gonna be late for work." at the last moment, i turned the wheel as hard as i could to the right and i barely missed smashing my car into a billion pieces.

and i was late for work.

whenever things like that happen in the movies or in books, people always see their lives flash before their eyes. after their close encounter with death, they realize how quickly life can be taken away and vow to live their lives anew, but i think the only thing i've gathered from my experience yesterday is that i need a new car.

it's beautiful out today. the entire cty is under a blanket of fog, the kind of mist artist's dreams are made of.

"While the Rolling Stones are due to perform in Shanghai on April 1 and in Beijing on April 4, the Chinese government has asked the band not to play some of their hit tunes while in the communist country because they contain sexual references. According to Ananova.com, Chinese fans will not hear "Brown Sugar," "Honky Tonk Women," "Beast of Burden" or "Let's Spend the Night Together." Concert organizer Chen Jixin says the four songs were also cut from the mainland release of the Forty Licks album by China's culture ministry."

so much for progress...haha, well it's not like they'll be missin out on anything.

started another painting today. i'm going to do a series of our backyard in all four seasons. should be interesting :)
i spilled water all over one of my charcoal pieces the other day.i was really upset at first, but then i realized that it produced an interesting surreal effect...i kinda like it :)

also started going to acting class again. now i remember why i stopped going. it's so...stupid. there's gotta be another word to describe it...asinine? inane? retarded? nope, nope and nope. it's just plain old pain-in-the ass STUPID. speaking of acting, i don't know if i could survive long in that world. not that the acting/modeling world would want me in the first place, but we're only speaking theoretically here. so theoretically, if i went down this acting/modeling road, i think i would probably spontaneously combust or something cuz i can NOT handle the people. it's not just the actor/actresses that are harebrained and frivolous and , it's people on the other side too. my talent scout, the receptionist....IMBECILES, all of them! :) i suppose i won't get started on specifics, because there will be no end. anyway, sitting here ranting isn't going to help anything. and, well haven't we all heard enough about idiotic people? and maybe they all possess more intelligence than they like to express...one can only hope :)

it suddenly occured to me that giving medical aid to indigenous people might not be the greatest thing after all. i mean, these people have lived their style of life for thousands of years, and they've been fine without our help. they've survived this long without being introduced to the glory of western medicine. they have their own gods, reasons and cures for illness. who are we to go blasting into their village and proclaim ourselves medical gods, to impose our way of life on them? that's essentially what we'd be doing, no? from their point of view, i guess i might be pretty annoyed that some punk-ass white people are trying to tell me what i've believed my entire life is wrong, cure me, then leave a trail of chaos in their wake. or i might just be happy and grateful to be helped. who knows...

i suppose it all comes down to priorities. what do we value the most? a person's health or the person's culture? oh boy, this sounds like it's running along the same lines as all the human rights issues. is this the same question we pose when we challenge genital mutilation in african countries? what about the death penalty here? do we value a person's life above our cultural belief that criminals should be punished? agh.

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't think i've ever been this excited about anything in my entire life. a non-profit group called flying doctors of america is going on a mission to china this summer! it's like two of my biggest dreams realized- really seeing china, not just modern cities like beijing and shanghai, and giving medical aid to the indigenous

so sick of all these words. people talk and talk, and it's always the same arguments, complaints. want to get something done, live life, see colors...kick myself out of this state of apathy. but i'm just sitting here, typing words, staring at a flashing cursor on a black and white screen...

wandering aimlessly through this day...and this life. no expectations, no tears, no aspirations, no joy, no fears. no hope. just a pure passionless existence.

two hours and three bags of skittles later...
agh!!!! so so so so bored. the dude is still staring at me. i'm absolutely amazed by the amount of nothingness that i have just accomplished. i think i read one pg of my book and then i took a little nap. wow. i guess procrastinating doesn't work any more. it used to be that i'd procrastinate until the very last minute, which would get me to actually study for that minute, but now i just don't care. chem can kiss my giant ass.

spring break is in two days! was gonna go to china, but my parents decided they're going instead. apparently their business there is more important than mine. that means i have to stay home and take care of "the kids". hey, does that mean i'm not a kid? how exciting :)

mad props to all the men out there that are brave enough to approach women. and to the guys like the one sitting on the other end of this library table who can do nothing but stare....boo to you. it's really quite unnerving. word to all the guys out there: do NOT stare at a girl as if you were going to pounce on her. we don't like to feel like prey. well, i don't, at least.

tried to study last night, but that didn't happen. so i started bright and early this morning at 11 am :). just finished my stat midterm, now i've got three hours to cram for chem. look at me go...(it's not happening)

just remembered that i have chem and stat midterms tomorrow. oops. funny how these things just keep sneaking up on me. i think the conversation going on next to me is running along the same lines:(judging by the content of their conversation, i presume they're in my class)
guy: aw shit! we've got a chem midterm tomorrow
girl: we do?!
guy: yeah...what are we learning anyway?
girl: i dunno, quantum mechanics or some shit like that. it's not like i go to lecture
guy: quantum me-what?? what the fuck's that?

my sentiments exactly

dreamt the same dream again. don't know if i can even call it a dream, because i'm not sure that anything concrete actually happened. but does anything have to happen in a dream? anyway, all i know is that i wake up filled with moments and half-formed thoughts. it was like watching random 3-second clips from 20 different movies, only not even that concrete. it was an amalgamation of blurred figures, muddy slopes and surging rivers, elysian fields and dante's hell, amorphous shapes, symbols, speeding demons and floating angels, all occuring in black and white. don't know why i think it was color-less, just seems like it was.
but maybe none of this actually happened, maybe i'm making it all up. maybe i actually had a linear dream that i just don't remember, and my brain is just trying to compensate.

and if nothing palpable happened, then i guess it was just me...floating around; existing. but, it was a dream...do we exist in dreams?

the pimp-mobile has ISSUES. for those of you who don't know, i'm referring to the work of art that i like to call my car. others might call it a piece of shit, but i beg to differ. it moves, does it not? i prefer to think it's got character :) anyway, today it decided to develop an affinity for stationary objects. i swear the thing has got a mind of it's own. actually, the steering wheel just decided to un-align itself on me again. becuase of my mad driving skills, i managed to not hit anything, but i must've looked pretty drunk considering i was fishtailing anyway cuz the roads are so icy and my tires suck. ah well, at least it gets me places. most of the time, anyway :)

i am officially not a bum :) i got a job tutoring and teaching kids gymnastics in an afterschool program. too bad it's been at least four years since i've done anything remotely related to gymnastics, unless running and strectching counts. in other words, i have no idea of what i'm doing...poor kids :)

just got back from msg-city. i believe it goes by the name of great moon buffet or somethin like that, it's hard to tell them apart after you've been to more than one. i usually don't bother with fortune cookies, but i got bored, so i read mine.

"everything is not yet lost"

great :). wasn't aware i had lost anything, but hell, who couldn't use such an inspirational message? my brother's was even better:

"you tend to believe the improbable while doubting the incredible"

is that not an oxymoron? christ, who writes these things?