went to chi for a day. found out some hotels actually do let 18 yr olds check in...good times. went to a drive-in for the first time. they now broadcast the soundtrack to the movies through the radio, which is pretty cool. being in chi/gary was like doing a 180, coming from alexandria, where i've seen a grand total of 6 "colored people" - two black, three asian, one indian. went to taste of chicago, paid too much for food that was very average. but that was expected.
might not have a job any more. stupid beetles not coming out. the bastards.

akjfoieawurkjld. lkejaaerklwroi!!! i amaze myself sometimes at how good i am at getting myself into...situations. you'd think i'd learn, but nooooo. damn damn damn damn. *more of the same complaints about supid old me and my inane, mundane meaningless life* stop
since i was just about to complain about other people complaining too much, i don't suppose it would be fair for me to...keep complaining. anyway, it's funny how i don't really have anything to say after i ruled out complaining. so i'm left to random musings...


Another moonless night
neon exclamations and vapid glitter
the ghost of his empty shell on
the road to Nowhere

She's not afraid of heights,
She's just afraid of falling.

A pair of desolate shoes await the return of their owner. Funny, the emotions a pair of shoes can evoke. Just two beige canvas sneakers sitting neatly side by side - one for the right foot, one for the left; both a little raggedy. A thread has come loose from the top of the left shoe and the tongue of the right hangs down limply out of sight. A little wrinkle here and there from where the foot bends when walking and some dirt stains around the bottom edges, but these were well cared for. And that's where the emotion comes in. Were these shoes placed here in hopes that the owner would wear them once more? Just a pair of shoes, waiting for their owner..

She's crying blood and I don't know what to do, so
I'll watch in fascination
As the turgid erubescent drops roll languidly down ochre cheeks, with
No apparent destination and at the mercy of gravity.

"Shame on me for the blues."

All that's left are words, misplaced or unspoken,
Unvoiced opinions and unsatiated desires.

Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark.

You. Only you could paint the flowers such a color.
Always had a reason and a rhyme
Something that, on my own, I could never find,
for I'm an artist without inspiration,
a scholar without motivation
Sifting through this inseperable chaos.


And the beat goes on...

back from china and so very depressed. i call it post-china depression, pcd. same ol same ol' saaa issues. went to beijing for a few days, then xi an for two days, climbed hua mountain, and saw the terra cotta warriors. when we climbed the mountain, saw a couple workers carrying loads up the mountain. talked to them and found out they were getting paid 30 yen a load, four dollars a day, as it takes about eight hours to make one trip. us tourists, on the other hand, paid 200 yen (about twenty four dollars) to get in the freakin park and take the cable cars half way up the mountain. ridiculous. beautiful mountain, though. next day went to a couple museums and chinese historical sights. learned some chinese history. china's got so much i always wondered how chinese kids learned it. american history is only two hundred years, fits nicely into a giant textbook...terra cotta warriors were pretty impressive. amazing how much work went into qin shi huang's tomb. at one point, there were 70,000 people working on it, they started building when he was thirteen, and took them over twnety years to complete. he's got a freakin underground city as a tomb. that's got to take a monstrous ego...took the train there and back, bout thirteen hour ride overnight slept in triple bunks, interesting...saw caves dug into the mountains in the countryside. what a harsh life, farmers up at four am working, mom had to live in one once, went on and one about how terrible it was, figured she was just guilt-trippin me. i spose people living such lives don't know anything better, so it must not be that bad for them.
got my hair permed. they did a crappy job, but what can you expect from ten dollars and a whole in the wall. i don't really care, either. mom says i look like a witch or a bum. oh well, i wanted a change and i got it. :)
still was much staring in china. people asked where i was from, why i was so tall, etc. got used to it sorta.

glad to be back where i can see blue sky and breathe fresh air. beijing and xian are so damn polluted, they rarely ever see the sky. how depressing. couldn't live like that. not to mention the toilets...miss the busy-ness of china though. getting used to being a freak, from being stared at wherever i go, china, america...eh.

ahh! there is such thing as minnesota-speak! but i think only way out in the country. the woman at the gas station said "you betcha" after i thanked her. !!!!! don't think i've ever heard anybody say that seriously before. and people here say "yah" a lot.

leaving for china today. going to beijing for a day and then really really really want to take a trian to Chong qing and ride a river boat on the changjiang all the way down to hai nan dao. cept the parents and grandparents all think i'm too stupid and naive to ride the train and boat in the country in china. i don't. i mean, i realize that i may be a bit naive and i might not know what i'm getting myself into and there are all sorts of bad people out there that i can't even fathom. but i'm not that naive. i've been places, seen things...and i've read books with bad people! :) lots. and i know i just plain old look like a good person to rob or kidnap to ransom or prostitute out cuz i look like money. or just a plain old overfed peasant. maybe i should make myself look like a peasant. haha. if anybody tries to take my by force..."fat people are harder to kidnap", anyway. and i'm not stupid enough to follow strange men places. and i'm pretty sure i could figure out if somebody was scamming me. so there. but what an adventure! arg everywhere i go people will stare. it's not like going to a european country where it's obvious you're a foreigner. in china, people will be trying to figure out what the hell i've been eating to make me so gargantuous and why i just look plain old weird, and if i'm really chinese. so much staring!

the beetles are out! the beetles are out!! jeesus fucking christ on a horse, the beetles are finally out. the larvae are so cool. really. they have these evertable glands that contain salicylic acetate, so when they get agitated, little white beads of toxins form in two rows down their bodies. very cool. so we spent the entire afternoon harrassing poor little cottonwood leaf beetle larvae and taking pictures. didn't see any adults, though. which doesn't make any sense. for the larvae to exist, the adults must have been out long enough to mate, lay eggs, and the eggs to hatch. that's gotta be at least days, a week? two weeks?

anyway, on to more interesting news. whoops, i lied. there is none. hmm, going to china day after tomorrow. having bad thoughts of a boy i once knew in china who seems to be very attached, still. oh well. i regret doing some thangs, but what can i do now? shit happens. get on with your life. my, my, what a little bitch i am...
let's see, what else? i'm sunburned, it hurts, and i still haven't found anything to do with my life, seeing as how i won't be getting into med school. that hurts too. finito.